Hard day today.
It started out ok, we went on a decent hike at carters pond.
But then we came home... Gabe decided to chase Rachel around the yard with a big stick, It was really comical. And Dan walked around the yard picking up all the tools dad dropped off the roof, but once he got them he ran off and you had to chase him down and tackle him to get the wrench back. Then mom called us in for dinner. Yummy Chicken Divan!

Ok I'll be honest, actually in a book I was reading today It paraphased my thoughts exactly.
exerpts amid my own thoughts from "when stars fall" by Kathy Weirenga Buchanan. OK alot of my thoughts and questions over the past 9 months.

"God is all powerful and all knowing, nothing happens without is say so. Everything good comes from God. He does give us the choice of free will, and always is grieved when we make the wrong choices. But why? why when we are trying to do the right thing and follow him do such bad things happen. Romans 8:28 says all things work together for good. but also this verse doesn't shield us from the pain, there may be a journey through a whole lot of bad before we get their."

"But what about the scriptures that say "the prayers of a righteous man availeth much." or having faith that can move mountains. does that mean some things won't come about because we didn't pray of have enough faith?"
"those verses are very true but we can't use them to control God or manipulate a situation. God is God, whether we understand him or not. Don't try to put Him in a box, He won't fit in there."

~convo between the main character and a none christian friend after an awful incident rocks the main characters world and ultimantly her faith and makes her really look deep inside and asks "do I really believe in God? Do I think he truly loves me? How could he let this happen?"~

"Do you really believe in God? and well everything you used to believe in and all after all this happened?

"I really don't know what I believe anymore, I know I need to sort things out. My faith isn't as simple as it used to be, and frankly, I am mad a God.
I mean i'll still go to church and all but, I'm having trouble seeing him, I can't tell you what will happen next but If God wants to contact me I will be waiting right here."

"well Hannah when you figure this all out I'll be wanting to know, it's kinda nice you not having holy hannah having the answers for once."

this next paragraph is not in the same chapter as the one above.

"I was always told that I was a princess and I belonged to God and even when things fall apart on earth that it would never change. To be honest right now it's hard to believe that, I don't feel loved by God and I struggle with knowing he has a perfect plan for me but I will NEVER stop trusting him like you know throw my faith out the window." because in Jer. 21:11 "for I know the thoughts that I think towards you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end."

I have learned that I need to give God the pen back, even when trials come along and I panic- swiftly grabbing the pen and trying to quickly (and messily) write a happy ending before anything worse happens. The end won't tie up and the page is covered with ink blots and crossed out mistakes. As I give, suddenly the words I wrote fade away and He patiently continues where he left off- truly writing a lasting happy ending.